Avocado Toast Is Toast: An Empire Crumbles

It was the late-morning hours on March 17th, 2016. AmyKate®, lifestyle passionista out of Marina Del Rey, CA, settled into her favorite booth at local gem, Twisting Market, and ordered their only dish — avocado toast. However, something was amiss as the dish hit the table and she decided to say something to the waiter.

“Excuse me, sir? This is toast.”

“Yes, it’s avocado toast,” replied Brian Ritter, improv actor and friend of Mikey Drew, another improv actor.

“No, but like, there’s bread under here.”

“What?”

March 21st, 2016 — Exactly four days after the Marina Del Rey incident made headlines, a heterosexual couple in Culver City had recently downloaded the new app, KitchenSwap. They were having a total blast cooking in a stranger’s home while those people cooked in theirs, and avocado toast was on the menu. But as Dan Randall, who scored eight points last night in pick-up basketball, began to serve his favorite “it’s good fat” treat to beaming girlfriend Mackenzie Watts, he screamed like a true man and dropped the plate.

“It’s — it’s toast.”

“Babe, don’t be ridiculous, it’s avocado toast,” replied Mackenzie, who non-ironically auditioned for Real World in 2011.

“No. There’s toast under there. I saw it.”

“BABE.”

Dan Randall was right. AmyKate® was right. And millions of other innocent Americans whose names you won’t ever see in the paper were right. It WAS toast. You just put avocado on TOP of it. Maybe even garnish it with black pepper or crushed up Cheetos if you’re high or a mom from Florida. But the fact is America, avocado toast is not what we think it is. We’ve been eating, Instagramming, and accessorizing dick pics with a lie.

Next time you see this green square of deceit on a menu and you feel your fingers twitching to take a photo, remind yourself of something important — You are an adult, you are strong, and you’re better than a piece of fucking toast. Be your own change.